Thursday, April 10, 2014

Where did she go?

I measure a year by the school calendar.  Having two girls in elementary school, it’s easier, and it’s how I roll.  It’s going  towards the end of the year, Spring Break is over, and state tests have been administered, all downhill from here.   At the beginning of the   year (yes school year for those who aren’t following) I breathed a sigh of relief. Both girls in the same elementary school: 1st grade and 5th grade.  “I did it” I silently yelled at the top of my lungs.  I did it, both girls on their way.  Things WILL get easier.   The year before, we focused so much on getting Little One to the point that she felt safe, breaking down the language barrier and the family getting adjusted.  This year the focus has been to keep moving all that forward, and we have with success.  She will get promoted to second grade and continue to get the extra help she needs.  She is very smart, and it’s just a matter of getting more and more of the language.  Reminder to me:  she has only been here 18 or so months.

So why am I have such a difficult year?  Is it because I will be 50 this year?  I remember I was in 11th grade when my parents turned 50 (it’s the year we moved back to Germany).   I think its much more than that, though I don’t fool myself that it does have something to do with it.  Almost 10 years ago, a 14 month beautiful little girl was placed in my arms. I loved her so very much from the first picture I ever saw of her 6 weeks before.   We had a tough start though, as we really didn’t like each other very much for a long time. I had post adoption blues, (yes it does exist) and a husband at the time that didn’t understand, and was determined not to change his life because there was a child in our lives.  So here I was,   wanting a manual to raising a child, and they didn’t make one…. Mmmnnnnn

I use to stare at her, because she was perfect in my eyes, happy for the most part, determined and eventually came to love me, and I didn’t know why, but took it all in.  H was small for her age for many years.  My favorite time was putting her to sleep, because I would sit in the rocking chair, H with her hands tucked under her, head snuggled into my shoulder. We did this for years!!—because she was so small.  In the morning, I would spoil her, wake her up, and she would assume the same position on my shoulder, and fall asleep again by the time I got to the couch to put her down. – We are not morning people to this day.

I did this up to just a few years ago… and then one day I looked at her, and she had these long legs, and up to my chin in height. She was frustrated because she couldn’t snuggle up anymore, and my back was starting to hurt. – Overnight she grew into this beautiful young lady who can express herself, laugh, get herself up in the morning, and make breakfast. She has come to be a wonderful big sister who is very protective,  how did this happen?

As her 5th grade is ending soon, and she moves to middle school, I am back to staring at her.  Makes her crazy, but I cant help it. I still see this little girl with a beautiful smile, and cheeks and lips to kiss all over.  She is still my little girl.  95 grade point average, Honors Math, independent, happy.  As a mom you cant ask for more….

Part of me is seeing a great thing:  she is getting older, on her way,  really good kid,  makes good  choices….

A big part of me is mourning….. I miss my little girl.

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